So It's Christmas Again...

Well let's start by saying Merry Christmas everyone.

How do we know it's Christmas? Because we are all skint and the supermarkets are so busy 2 African children died in the stampede to the tills. Also the salvation army has made an appearance on our tv's in recent weeks wanting merely £19 to help the poor homeless man on the street jack up for Christmas. Does anyone actually know what the Salvation Army do the other 11 months of the year? I imagine sit around in funny hats working with the government to help evict people from there homes in time for Christmas perhaps?

I have recently moved into a new block of flats which has been lovely. So far we havent met any of the neighbours but fear not! In the spirit of Christmas blocking my hallway on the floor was a card. To Flat 10. Open it. Merry Christmas from flat 9. What a monumentas waste of effort and card! That's not even the worst bit. The worst bit is flat 9 obviously had a hidden agenda... You know as soon as you open a card you are then obliged to waste your effort in giving a card back or forever be known throughout all the flats as the prick in flat 10 who never gave a card back. I sucked it up and done my bit giving a card back. Now word clearly got around. 2 days later... To flat 10 from bev and Roy flat 13. Now I'm sorry bev and Roy but your too late. Im out of cards and your not worth me buying another pack. Therefore you can fuck off!

*Names have NOT been changed in this story to protect anonymity because I don't give a fuck.

I wonder how many people this year didn't buy Christmas presents because the world was going to end Friday 21st 2012? Thanks to the Mayans many children will have to go without presents this year because parents spent all there cash, maxed out all there cards and locked the kids in a cupboard and fucked off in holiday to enjoy life. With your help of just £19 a month we can extend there holiday for 1 whole day.... So please... Don't be selfish and give something back this christmas.

So what's next for me? Well... It's almost 2013 and it's looking to be a god awful year and no doubt the world is going to end..again...so stay tuned for many more rants.

In the mean time enjoy your Christmas dinner and the usual jokes about your small manhood when you get the cracker with the tweezers in and say thanks. Thanks it's only once a year!

Recycle or else...

So recently I have come back from a short holiday away to spain where the Spanish decided to shit us up and announce they was going on National strike at ALL airports just to make life difficult and to try and make a stand to do with some sort of politics rubbish. I mean how selfish to do it on the day I was due to fly home. Anyway im home now... obviously.

On walking through my front door I was greeted with a box left by the council that clearly says FOOD RECYCLING. Now I remember when recycling first was introduced, the council wanted to try and enforce fines if you didn't put that plastic bottle just so in the correct pink recycling bag. Eventually it was accepted as part of life and you recycle without thinking about it which is great...in theory. Now with this great "let us recycle your food so we can re sell it to you AGAIN and make more money" box we have 3 rubbish bins in the kitchen. Im sorry but I don't live in a fucking mansion like Hugh Hefner so therefore I don't have the room. Just so I don't have to use this box I am eating every scrap of food on my plate and the box makes a good foot stall. Your body uses the nutrients and vitamins from the food you eat and disposes of it in the form of shit which is in theory left over food of sort. So my advice to everyone is this... if the council wants to recycle, let them. When you next feel a one coming, take a shit IN THE BOX, and leave it out for collection.

Just remember to put the lid back on in case it rains. Or you will get a fine. Trust me...

until tommorow, good night!

Today's Events

Americans never siezes to amaze me in there utter stupidity. A man walked into a New York bank dressed as Darth Vader and robbed it with a semi-automatic pistol, after staff realised it wasn't a joke of course, they gave him some money and he scarpered on a motorbike. The police said it would be difficult to track the gunman because he did not take off his mask during the raid. Now I am sorry but a man riding a motorbike in a Darth Vader outfit and a big cape? Not exactly that stealthy. Maybe he will make his own you tube video of the heist, title... Darth Raider: Empire Strikes Bank

I have had a lot of great feedback from people but still would love to hear more. Comments are availble to be posted by anyone now you DO NOT have to be a member or signed up to anything. Obviously if you would like to sign up I would appreciate more followers ITS FREE. Also any topics you want covered or any news you hear before me please let me know by comment or e-mail: adam_lacey@live.co.uk

Common Sense

This morning before work on early morning tv, or as I like to call it Shit TV, I decided to watch a bit of Airline. Who doesn't like watching idiots not realising they need a passport or that you actually have to check in more then 30minutes before your flight. I know, I never knew this eithier! Thank god I found out before my holiday. It showed you a brief behind the scenes in the Animal section of all different animals that attempt to come into the country. There was some guy moaning about how many lizards they have and no room to keep them and then one died as it was pregnant and too small to give birth. So what doe's he do? Cuts the 8 eggs out of the dead lizard put them in an incubator to hatch them. Now im no expert but if you have too many lizards, hatching more doesn't really help the situation.

The Russians have shocked the world again by trying to absail a Donkey in Southern Russia on the beach. Now most people just go down the pub, or try and make midgets walk on hot coals but no the russians like to a step further and absailed a donkey around the cost to the point it nearly died. I wonder how you start that conversation... That Donkey over there, lets parasail it, whats the worst that could happen? Dr pepper would be proud.

Essex made the Top Stories of Sky News today. No this time it wasn't for a ridiculous hollywood style sign, which someone fantastically stole the "A" which can be seen on youtube and who I will personally buy a beer and get blind drunk with if I find out who it was. This time was about CCTV catching people playing 'Chicken' with a Train at Rochford Station, Essex. Im sorry but if your a train driver and there's a chav on the tracks I think I would fail to find the brake....

On that bombshell, good night!
Tune in tommorow for the latest news.

Would you like advice?

Last night I went out for a evening on the town as it where and thought I would have some common sense and go get some money out at the cash point as flashing the bouncers no longer works. So im standing at the cash point, put card in, enter pin, cash, then I get some weird message come up like I just asked it to give me 3million quid. Would you like an advice slip? Now normally I would just carry on but I thought seriously what advice could you give me on how to spend £10? Maybe invest in a bomb to blow up Germany?


On other news France has banned the use of that thing Muslim ladies wear to cover there whole face and body. It has now become clear that Britain will not be following France's suit thank god and I will tell you why I am glad. The UK's response was everyone has the right to wear what they want to wear and I thought that was fantastic news. I never realised that it would be perfectly ok for me to walk down Southend-on-Sea beach with a bright green mankini on and if demands me to change then I will gladly point out I can wear what I want to. So when Tuesday comes round and reaches a nice smooth 34 degrees, I can walk into the work in shorts and flip flops and say this is what I want to wear if you don't like it move to France.

Apple iPhone 4

Now I am not one to say im perfect and nor are Apple by the looks of it. Call me old fashioned but I believe if you buy a mobile phone you should be able to make a phone call on it and if your really up to date, send a text aswell. The release of the iPhone 4 comes at a real bargain for only £499 for a 16gb model. What's next? Let's go and spend £100 on a pair of socks with holes in? Very practical.

Now I don't know if I am missing something but I was aware that if I wanted to use my phone I would need to hold it in my hand which in return made me loose my signal. That doesn't sound to efficient to me. Apple's response was to "hold it a different way". Of course if I was able to hold it with my foot to my ear I would give it a go but unfortunately im not an ape. It was marked the "grip of death." I wasn't aware I was a superhero, next time I go to work I will tell my boss sorry I am not going to do my job and threaten him with my "death grip".

Thankfully they have now admitted that to use a phone you need a signal so you they are giving you as a free extra, worth £15 none of the less, a free bumper case so it will work. Im amazed how something as big and grand as the new iPhone 4 needed something so small to give it half a chance of succeeding.... Sounds like France.

Bacon, Beer & Weekend Banter

It is a fact that people only use 10% of there brains. Well what the fuck's the rest for I could save the space and use it as storage. That means there is 90% that is un-tapped. Full of mathmatical conundrems solved, explanations, words to songs long forgotten all hidden in that 90%. See I have found the key to unlock the 90% to reach your full potential...

Well its obvious isn't it. Beer.

You see people in the pub on a friday after a hard days work, well apart from that one guy who can't work because he has a bad back so he drives a forklift for cash but anyway, there all silent, after a hard days graft. Then they get a beer down there neck and they can talk about there day and how much the misses wants him home and his only having the one. By the second pint, they all know how to coach the England football team to World Cup glory.

By the 4th pint they all know in what order to do Girls Aloud. You do the ginger one in the middle everyone knows that. You wouldn't start with her because you wouldn't get the engine running and you wouldn't finish with her because you would give up and that means you wouldn't get the book stamped. Everyone knows that.

By the 6th pint you loose control of your body you can't concentrate on walking you have thinking to do!

By the 8th pint you have planned out a full on, 8 women orgy, with Girls Aloud and the Spice Girls where your sausage is passed around like a meaty baton in a relay race.

By the 10th pint due to the overwhelming amount of knowledge flooding out the 90% of your brain you can't get it all out so you slur your words.

By the 12th pint you can no longer handle the vast flow of knowledge therefore in self defence your brain shuts down to just half of the original use which of course is 5% which is the only part we share with Pigeons.... the part on how to get home.

The next morning due to the overwhelming knowledge that had completly bypassed your body and over the carpet, you are left drained. You feel incapacitated. Somehow with amazing strength, guts and determination you manage to get up and cook a good old Bacon sarnie and an hour later your back to normal.

Thats why ladies and gents, Bacon, is proof there is a god.